"Open your eyes..."

Three weeks.

_With new _people.

^And new ^places.

_{In a} new ^environment.

_{Can ^you say,} much needed?

“One day you will go someplace new. And you will meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those wasted years of your life, will begin to fade.”

 

And maybe, just maybe, with a little gumption, everything will _fall into place.

Emotion. It’s raw. It’s beautiful. It’s strong. Passionate, yet devastating. Beautiful, yet horrible. Trite, yet overwhelmingly significant.

 

I’m so confused. And torn. My life is so…undetermined? Incomplete? Unfulfilled.  I truly do live a life of opposites. I think I always just used to say that, to think that. Now, I know that. I want to be fun, yet I want to be elite. I want to be rich, yet I want to be poor. I want to be modest, yet I want to be proud. I want to be depressed, yet I want to be happy. I want to be discreet, yet I want to be the one everybody talks about. I don’t want to know who I am. I need to know who I am. I NEED to know who I am. I need someone to be there, yet I don’t want to accept the fact that people are there for me. I need an emotional pep talk. I need someone to tell me why I’m a good human being. I need someone to tell me that I’m socially acceptable. I need someone to tell me why I would be romantically desirable. My positive traits. My negative traits. My good features. My less than perfect ones. I’m tired of holding myself back. I’m ready to be free. And I need someone to be there with me, more to witness my self- freedom than anything else. I need a witness to my life.

 

What is this? What is my existence? Who am I? Is is bad that I have not figured this out by now? What is wrong with me? Why must I do such foolish things? Why must I dream for the impossible? I am a chronic liar. I lie to myself. Every hour. Every day. I promise myself unreachable heights. I expect impossible goals. And when they inevitably don't come true...my world comes crashing down around me. I've almost learned to expect the richness of a deep melancholy.

It's rather funny how affected I am by the smallest things. The right song at the right moment. The right movie at the right time. You, smiling at me at the perfect time. Knowing I can never have you.

I'm confused. And torn. There's so much that I want, yet so much that I can't have. While most have this figured out by now, I still can't decide who I want to be. I've grown so much, yet lost something at the same time. And there's so much more that I feel but just can't put it into words.